Monday, February 28, 2005
washington dc over the weekend.
met my shu shu and auntie stephanie after almost a year of not seeing them.
met my cousin Ethan! after more than two years since i last saw him,
and met the latest addition to the family, my baby cousin audrey :)
for the first time.
she had a twinkle in her eye,
a smile that could break hearts,
teeny tiny fingers
and teeny tiny toes.
she was never ever cranky,
even when she was hot with fever.
she had a sense of adventure,
took pride in finding her own way around
on fours.
what a sweetheart.
planted @
9:03 AM
Wednesday, February 23, 2005
today, i've re-discovered an under-utilised communication tool i've always had: email.
it's amazing how much joy you find in giving and receiving.
planted @
1:08 AM
Tuesday, February 22, 2005
should be studying for my double-whammy (bio and french tests) tomorrow but am just too lazzzy.
it's a holiday today. happy president's day to all! america commemorates this great day by having nation-wide sales. i should be looking at toyota. heard that they're pushing their camry at just $219 a month-- for 36 months.
Milton's paradise lost has blown my mind. what a great epic poem. christian-themed yet written in classical style. he wove two conflicting elements so well together to create such a masterpiece. must somehow get hold of a copy of Homer's Iiad and Odessy. And maybe the Aeneid of Virgil too.
planted @
3:46 AM
this is true.. painfully true.. how did they know?
 | You scored as Canada. You’re polite, friendly and pretty much an all around nice person. Everyone wants you at the party but at the same time no one really cares if you don’t show. You might consider hitting the gym once in a while.
Canada | | 65% | Kyrgyzstan | | 60% | Great Britain | | 50% | France | | 50% | United States | | 15% |
What country are you?
created with QuizFarm.com |
planted @
3:34 AM
incompletely true. good or bad? not sure...
| You scored as Intrapersonal. You prefer your own inner world, you like to be alone, and you are aware of your own strengths, weaknesses, and feelings. You learn best by engaging in independent study projects rather than working on group projects. People like you include entrepreneurs, philosophers and psychologists.
Intrapersonal | | 79% | Musical/Rhythmic | | 75% | Verbal/Linguistic | | 75% | Logical/Mathematical | | 68% | Visual/Spatial | | 46% | Interpersonal | | 46% | Bodily/Kinesthetic | | 25% |
The Rogers Indicator of Multiple Intelligences
created with QuizFarm.com |
planted @
3:26 AM
Wednesday, February 16, 2005
Such glorious natural beauty,
right in the heart of new york city.
Central Park- that verdant spot in the middle of manhattan, a veritable Life altogether. I had planned a brief visit to that pleasant garden respite with the intention of viewing Chriso's mind-blowing, once-in-a-lifetime exhibit, "The Gates" (so called because the yards and yards of mounted orange sails circling the park resembled a "portal" of sorts, capable of whisking one away from the grey winter landscape into a colored fairyland). The artist had spared none of his imagination, none of his creativity and none of his cloth! Those flapping orange sails, true to their name, graced each little trail, framed every single path in the park. And when the wind blew (spark upon spark!), Cloth turned Fluid and Park, all at once, filled with movement!
People came to walk the Park-- people from all over the city, from various parts of the country. Like me, they came to experience this, to make sense of non-sense. Tourists, families, artists, photographers (some with models, some without) , film crew (courtesty of Mr. Trump), all. Everyone wanted a part in the project. For that was what we were-- participants in the final visual presentation of an artist's realised vision.
Imagination sparks imagination. While my eyes were kept busy with novel sights, my mind too worked at its own private fantasies. I imagined dance, glimsped life in the swirling light fabric. I imagined the scene-change at night; while the surroundings darkened, the streetlights would play with the golden sheets and the night breeze would race through them at lightning speed, flapping each sail upwards in a wave spreading through the tree rows.
Movement and activity of the Present (the Now), however, quickly drew me back to the Day. Such beautiful weather-- probably the best in months. The sun was out, warming the air and blending its rich, glowing light into the palate.
I took a moment to pause. Took in the scenery from where I was. I saw and, for the first time in a long while, appreciated Beauty in all perceivable ways. There were winter hues, shades, colors and contrasts that I had failed to notice till then. Those orange sails were evidently the scene-stealers, the attention-grabbers. But I paused and noted how readily the man-made and the natural mixed and mingled. Solid color with nature's innumerable shades, light with dark, smooth with rough, bold with subtle, contrasts in texture and feel. Because I paused, I observed too, how beautifully the Master Artist had shaped and formed nature. There were natural contrasts all around! At the edges of the glassy pond, where water met ice, seeming to coexist in both states, on the bare branches of trees, where naked bark (virgin white) scraped against jaded, matured skin (in browns so deep they assumed appearance of black). I saw more contrasts and more beauty still in the pairing of rocky solid strength with soft, feminine fluidity.
Man draws inspiration (even in the drabbest of seasons) from nature. And if we could draw so much pleasure, if our spirits were so uplifted by a little touch of color, how much more joy (overflowing!) must Adam and Eve have experienced in their garden of eden-- paradise pure, heaven on earth! We have our Master Artist to thank. He made this world perfect and saw that it was good.
I may just have caught a glimpse of eden today
and like the Psalmist, I owe Him all my praise.
planted @
6:00 AM
Saturday, February 12, 2005
visiting the dartmouth website is a sobering experience. but at the same time, i'm challenged. motivated to start on my "grand plan"for the next four years. going to take the initiative, not just sit back and wait for opportunity to knock. going to step out of my comfort zone, talk to people i've never talked to before. going to do whatever i can to make the most of my time at college. i want to make every cent and every second count.
psyching myself, taking the plunge. made that life-changing decision and there's no turning back, no regrets.
planted @
10:56 AM
Friday, February 11, 2005
such ugly emotions, Jealousy and Envy. i see my own selfishness. tears of self-pity, wallowing in my self-made sea of loneliness. my mind tells me to stop.
stop i shall.
because it's always about me. me, me, me, me, me. it's always about how I feel, what I think, what I want..
like Morrie, i've found that you can only indulge your emotions so much. there comes a point where you've spent all your tears, cried all the load off your chest, and come to realise how good the calmness is afterwards. it's only after you've screamed, yelled, vented, ranted, directed everything to God, that he speaks to reassure you and gives you peace of heart, mind and spirit. it's only after the worst comes out of you-- all the venom, bitterness, anger, pain, misery, selfishness, jealousy-- that he can start to heal you. and only after reflection do you realize how ugly and evil and poisoned you were, and only then are you truly ashamed of your sin.
but even the worst of us can repent and receive his forgiveness. and even the ugliest insides, once exposed, can be turned into testimonies of his grace to us. we are living testimonies of the undeserved mercy we received.
i have been killing myself on the inside, harbouring all that poison. but after an evening of introspection and reflection, i'm turning myself over to God. so ashamed of my ugliness. need his forgiveness. need to come back to him.
i managed to turn my life into a "me-centered" one. tonight, i'm turning it back round again, to one centered around him.
it takes God's revelation to recognize how disgusting you really are. i'm able to realize this by his wisdom, and by his grace, i'm able to change for the better.
planted @
10:58 AM
Been crying alot lately... Lying in bed at night, despite physical tiredness, I've had to will myself to sleep, force my brain to stop thinking things.. to shut out upsetting thoughts.
Why so emotional? Everything I've been feeling lately has been magnified/ multiplied. Guess I now know how it feels to not have family and friends around you when everyone else is celebrating.. Insanely jealous reading blogs, emails.. Family reunions, class gatherings, lunches, dinners, the company of friends.. Missing out on all these but somehow feel like I'm missing out on so much more. I resent it. I resent it so much.
My brain tells me to stop all this.. to stop wallowing in self-pity. Morrie was able to separate his emotions from himself. He was able to put them away after soaking himself in them for awhile. But I'm not Morrie. Haven't got that sort of control over my feelings. I can't put away loneliness.
Maybe that's why I'm blogging more. Maybe that's why my posts are longer now. Maybe that's why I repeatedly refresh my inbox and check for new mail several times a day. Maybe that's why I pour over each and every one of my friend's blogs and post longwinded tags that take up so much space. Maybe that's why I bug people to tag me more often.. To email me longer. Maybe.
I want attention. I want to be noticed. I want to feel loved. I want to feel like I mean something to someone. I don't want to be forgotten.
Sometimes you can feel alienated by your closest relatives. And loneliness augments when you realize the irony of being "family" and yet, not family...
I know now that I'll never really be one of them.
miss my friends, miss my family, miss the sense of belonging. but if i can't handle these two months away from home, how am i going to handle myself four years up north at a place even stranger, colder, farther away from everyone i love?
somewhere in the midst of these mixed emotions, there's an ugliness. i can identify Jealousy, Envy, Selfishness.
It is actually evil; It's a sin to Miss people to the point of wanting to keep them to yourself. You want to hoard all their love, you want to hoard all their friendship and you don't want to let them go.
planted @
9:50 AM
Tuesday, February 08, 2005
little miracle of the day: an act of kindness in the streets of new york city.
walking back to the train station after class today, we noticed a lady walking in the opposite direction. nothing strange, just another fellow-pedestrian on the street. but she did look flustered. and she hurried like a woman late for an appointment.
ordinarily, we wouldn't even have taken a second glance. we would have forgotten her face, her gait, her apparent agitated state in the next split-second. but strangely enough, we do remember this person, this face. because of that look that it wore; it was a look that overflowed with pure gratitude (untainted by pride). her eyes and her smile said it all-- the biggest "thank you" anyone could ever receive.
never seen so much real, honest exchange between two people before-- between two strangers whose lives had never crossed, whose paths had never met before that moment.
but it's really life's little upsets-- silly, careless embarrassments that bring out the best in people. (yes, even in the city where Fear, Suspicion and Distrust reigns, where people shut their souls up in dark places and lock their hearts away from one another.)
she let her hand slip and the contents of her cd case, as if eagarly awaiting their cue, burst out onto the sidewalk, flipped and spun and rolled about gleefully in all directions till they were very well-covered in wet slush.
her Fellow-Pedestirans blinked narry an eyelid. none would stop to help, and the sidewalk threatened to swallow her whole.
whole in a hole of invisible stares; out of sight of lid-less eyes.
far less than a Knight in shining armour, far less than a Prince Charming, and in many ways, far less than the average New Yorker (in dresscoat, hat and well-shined shoes), our man-of-the-day at first glance seemed to fall far off the "hero" mark. yet, "hero", he nevertheless was in the eyes and smile of she-and-her-cd-case.
afterall, he had come to her rescue when no one else would.
his reflexes were lightning-quick. he waited-not, deliberated-not. there were no questions to be asked and answered, no doubts, no fears-- he was not restrained by years of psycological drilling (the kind that crowns the mind Tyrant over the heart). his first impulse was to help, and nothing held him back.
it all happened so fast (cds recovered, matter resolved), we wonder if anything had even happened at all.
but we witnessed the exchange and we appreciated the grace and beauty of open-hearted, no-strings-attatched generosity. it sparked a little something within us and so warm was the after-glow! our heart skipped a beat in joy (manifest in a secret upward curve of the lips).
today, we renew our faith in Love. (Love in it's purest essence).
and today, we release our long-arrested heart, sharing everything with you.
planted @
7:44 AM
Sunday, February 06, 2005
OMG fish i am so deliriously happy i can't quite type straight!!
ok. was going to title this "my scariest day" but somehow the mood got lost along the way. ohwelly. here's what happened:
i planned a trip to the Bronx Zoo, which is in a place none other than the Bronx! did some research on how to get there, which walking route to take (big zoo that it was) the night before, and then got up early the next day at 6am to give myself ample time to get there.
turned out the subway ride (21 stops uptown from New York Penn station) wasn't as long as i'd thought it'd be. it did, however, take me up through Manhattan, all the way into the heart of the Bronx. and that alone was enough to freak me out.
as i sat there twiddling my thumbs (a bundle of nerves) and looking out the train window, i was greeted with streets that seemed starkly different from the well-polished sidewalks of central manhattan. there was trash strewn everywhere, graffitti on the walls, grime, dirt, slush and soil. not a very pretty neighbourhood. i also noted (not to be racist or anything) that a large part of the residents were african american from low income families.
that morning in the car, while driving me to the shorthills train station, my uncle had warned me about the high incidences of street crimes and robberies, rapes and murders. he told me to put half my cash, my ic and my tickets in my coat pocket just in case i got mugged along the way. and if i did encounter a violent robber, he said, i was to calmly hand him my handbag, offer no resistance and let him go off with my money. (better my money than my life.)
admittedly, that piece of well-meaning advice unnerved me somewhat. by the time i got to "East Tremont Street", i was clutching my handbag against my chest as if my life depended on it.
and as usual, i got lost. walked up a couple of blocks in the wet, slushy slippery mix of ice and snow, didn't see Zoo Gate A, Asia Entrance, so walked back through the muck. climbed that horrible flight of stairs up to the station control, asked directions and found that i'd walked down the wrong side of the road.
like an overhead bridge, the train station. the tracks were in the middle above ground, and you could exit either on street right or street left. (damn those broad broad streets and those wide wide lanes with no pedestrian crossing on level ground!)
along the way to Zoo Gate A, i passed many strange people carrying black trash bags. they slung them over their shoulders and pulled up their hoods so i couldn't see their faces. random strangers (literally!) on the street, but they all looked poor, homeless and in my eyes, like potential muggers. my brain was racing with ideas for a pre-emptive plan-of-action just in case i was attacked: i would scream, swing something at them and run for my life if they tried anything funny.
passed through a group of black people waiting for the public bus at the side of the street. visibly quickened my pace.
finally got to Zoo Gate A, but found that i was too early. the zoo opened at 10am and the ticket booth lady looked at me as if i was crazy when i asked for a ticket at godforsaken 9.40 am in the morning.
so i made my way back, past my scary-looking fellow pedestrians, past the waiting group, past the people who lingered, wandered, looked lost. no pity, no sympathy from me. just overwhelming suspicion and a heightened sense of danger.
i never looked any one of them in the eye.
went into a donut shop (as grimey as the streets outside), ordered a hot chocolate and sat down at a table to read for a bit, in a desperate attempt to hit 10am and start my walk back to the zoo.
AND THEN the three black teenagers sitting at an adjacent table suddenly got up and changed seat. they slid into my table and sat opposite me in an attempt, i believe, to frighten me. i DID NOT let them have their kick. while they banged and rattled on the table, and talked unneccessarily loudly among themselves, i put my head down, sipped my chocolate and attempted to carry on reading. they continued for a full fifteen minutes, trying to get my attention, prossibly trying to provoke me into some sort of retaliatary response, but i just sat there seemingly engrossed in Milton's Paradise Lost, all the while trying my hardest to IGNORE THEM COMPLETELY.
idiots. they totally pissed me off and they knew i couldn't do anything about it except ignore them. well, they had their fun (whatever) for awhile, but then got bored i think and then went off to find more fun stuff to do. apparently, they were playing truant (it was friday) and skipping school for the day.
young chinese girl, all alone in the streets with her pretty clothes and shoes and handbag. easy target?
but i thank god that NOTHING happened to me, save that uneasy, close encounter with those boys. left the zoo at two thirty, got home at five, just in time for twilight dusk to settle in.
truly, the scariest day ever. but next week, by god's grace, i'm going to hit downtown Brooklyn. perhaps more horrors await me then. i'd love to visit the New York Aquarium, but i just don't know how much risk i'm willing to take.
planted @
4:55 AM
