Shiney.

Tuesday, May 31, 2005

Your love endures forever,
Reaches to the Heavens.
Though my flesh may fail me,
You're the strength of my heart,
You will always be.
I know your loving kindness,
The power of forgiveness.
All that I hold dear is yours.
My Jesus,
It's you I long for.

planted @ 9:56 PM

Friday, May 27, 2005

A call from my uncle in the states reminded me of __.

His voice was the same as always. Warm. Gentle. Concerned.

But tinged with disappointment.

God, it brought out all the disappointment in me.

Suppressed, bottled up, swept under the rug.

Lord, it's so hard to let go.

planted @ 9:40 AM

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

I exhausted myself today on the bus, off the bus, over dinner, after dinner, thinking too many thoughts.

It was one of those rare moments where I was fully aware of overactivity up there but unable to will myself to block out everything.

I contended with my parents for four straight hours, going through everything over and over again.

WhywhatwhenhowWHERE.

Have been struggling with this decision for more than "a few months" now and it's eating away everyone's soul, including mine.

It's all we think of, all the time.

But I thank you Lord for giving me this stuggle. It hasn't been easy. The years ahead (as far as I can see) won't be easy. But what's amazing is that you give me a song to sing always.

If you had given me an easy road to travel, if you had removed choice and replaced it with straightforward conformity, I would never have grown so much or learnt so much.

You are the God who opens doors and I love you.

You make a way for me in the wilderness. You guide me in your plan.

I will go to nus because:

I have learnt the meaning of love.

It's all about sacrifice.

I remember, Lord.

Cutting right through layers and layers of burning ambition, overwhelming selfishness, ravenous desire for moremoreMORE.

You've revealed it to me so suddenly I will never forget.

Thank you for showing me what has surrounded me for these past months- Love.

planted @ 10:36 PM

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

Why I am going to D:

I trust God's plan for me. I trust Him to provide.
My parents have given their blessings.
I can think of no better school.

I know that I will grow; in more ways than one.

I will learn the meaning of responsibily.
I will learn to be independent.
I will be pressed but not crushed, persecuted but not abandoned, struck down but not destroyed.

Now this is what God has done for me:

He has opened doors. He has performed miracles. He has taught me to trust Him entirely. I have realized that I could not have done and can not do this own my own.

God places us in times of trial in order to mould us into the persons He wants us to be. I know that He has plans for my life. He has convicted me of something I must do.

All I can do now is to trust and obey.

Praise the Lord.

Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good;

his love endures forever.

Who can proclaim the mighty acts of the Lord

or fully declare his praise?

planted @ 2:27 PM

Friday, May 13, 2005

On hindsight, I think I overreacted. Often it's the self-pity, the mind-numbing, self-induced paralysis that kills you, not so much circumstance. Things are only as bad as you make them out to be, and really, God has blessed me so much.

"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all."

2 Corinthians 4:16,17

For all this and more, I can only sing your praises.

planted @ 8:08 PM

Thursday, May 12, 2005

Sept 2004-May 2005: A time of trial. A time of highs and lows on an emotional rollercoaster ride. So much effort poured into chasing this dream, so much time, so much preparation.. Guess it's my fault for not trying harder. For neglecting the most crucial factor in my calculations.

The worst bit at the end of this crazy little drama, I'm not only disappointing myself but everybody who helped, encouraged and supported me along the way.

That email dealt the final crushing blow. Thanks alot for squashing what little hope I had left of spending my next four years with you. But then again, I can't be angry. Can't blame you. Can't blame anybody but myself.

IshouldhaveIshouldhave.. All I can think of now.

And my ride grinds to a screeching stop.

planted @ 8:17 PM

Sunday, May 08, 2005

Sens au coeur de la nuit
L'onde d'espoir
Ardeur de la vie
Sentier de gloire...

Can't get the song out of my head.
What a haunting melody.

Sometimes at night
I lie awake
Thoughts pulsing
And wonder if ambition
And contentment
Could ever meet.

When I first came here
I had dreams.
You said:
Chase them,
Leave fear behind.

Ironic how Pragmatism
(Once scoffed at)
Now overrules Aspiration.
(Still Noble)

And I will head down the very path
I vowed I would not take.

Every now and again
Fresh waves will break
With renewed fervour
Only to be sucked back
Into the deep by the current.

planted @ 3:16 PM

Thursday, May 05, 2005

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

i'm in heaven.

floating on the last sweet strains of music-

the theme from les choristes.

planted @ 6:19 PM

Sunday, May 01, 2005

Don't quite know how to put it.. Am neither verbally eloquent nor courageous enough to shout it out loud, but I love you guys. All of you. For just being there and sharing what little time we have together. It's the smiles, the warmth of company. Nothing big, nothing spectacular, but it's really the silent, unspoken words of the heart that count.

*******************************

And I'm sorry for taking you forgranted. Growing up, the times spent with you all fun and laughter. Silly songs under the coconut tree.. Good times. You told me how proud you'd be to stand by and watch me blossom. I never thought that far ahead, just curled deep in your warmth.

See-saw knees up and down up and down..

Now, looking back at how close we once were, I cry for lost time. You who used to carry me on your shoulders with strong arms, now look to my arms for support. You who thrilled me with stories and songs, walks in the park and adventures to faraway places, now at times, forget.

You could not stop age from loosening your hold on people, places, names, faces. You drifted. And dammnit I drifted.

You now live from day to day. I admire you for that and love you so much more desperately because.

I want to be there for you, give you days of fun and laughter, silly songs, piano tunes. I want to be there for you now like you were there for me.

planted @ 10:04 PM