Wednesday, January 19, 2005
in everything i do, in every word i say, i will praise you and give all glory to your name.
have been away from computers and the internet for some time now. over the weekend, my uncle took his family and me up to New Hampshire to stay on Dartmouth campus. it was a less than thrilling six hour drive up from New Jersey, but i must note that the time and effort was worth it.
campus was smaller than i'd expected. rings of brick and stone buildings nestled close together around the central field (fondly known as 'the Green' by Dartmouth students old and new). a very pretty little campus town, with far too many places for food! on the drive up, peering out of the car window, i could visibly see the countryside landscape changing. (as the snow got thicker and thicker, the temperature dipped lower and lower) negative 20 dC would be a reasonable estimate.
hot chocolate and fluffy warm croissants over breakfast never tasted so good.
met the daughter of my aunt's friend who drove up to dartmouth with us. devika (or deedee as her little brother affectionately called her) was almost the exact opposite of me. extremely chatty, outgoing, sociable, fun-loving and friendly's how i remember her. she brought me into her apartment, where we sat and chatted about the school in general over a cup of tea. then she brought me around campus for a tour and even crashed me into one of the first year dorms so that i could take a look around to see what it was like. i thought: hmm. nice, small, cosy. just like campus in general. the only downside was that the individual dorms didnt have private bathrooms. ohwell. mass bathing!
i somehow didnt quite click with dee and her friends. things were kinda cold around the table once i'd run out of questions for them.. guess im not their type (too serious/ shy/ quiet). looking at the way people all around campus seemed to know each other, i couldnt help feeling rather alone and friend-less cos i didnt know anyone. an alien in a foreign land. i'm still trying to figure: could i have felt otherwise?
change has to start with me.. i've got to become more like them in order to be accepted. otherwise i'd be a social outcast and i'd never fit in. change. never easy (esp since it would be going against my nature to open up more) but absolutely essential. it's like sitting down to dinner with people you don't really know. friend of a friend of a friend's. you've got to appear nice and smiley and chatty.. ask questions.. joke.. take jokes.. look interested.. listen to stories.. tell stories.. gossip a little.. even if you don't feel like talking or even if you feel crappy on the inside.
i might even have to change the way i speak (my accent?), the way i interact with people. i've noticed how some people actually switch accents when talking with different groups of people. i guess there's no harm in that if it makes everyone feel comfortable. but can i speak with an american accent? no. so i believe that i you can't do it, don't do it. otherwise you'd end up sounding really fake. and that's the worst thing to be.
this weekend, courtesy of devika, i've gained a sort of insider's view to campus life. visited dee's sorority house (theta house) which was a rather scary eye-opener. beer cups all over the place, leftovers from the drinking game the evening before. wall murals.. naked people riding on bulls, waving beer mugs.. monsters in the woods.. wasn't quite sure how to read them. art? creative expression? i just got a sense of "something's not right" about theta house. this is, of course, just personal opinion.
after struggling with the question of to join or not to join (more than 50% of the student pop is in a frat or a sorority) i've decided that i'm not going to join a greek society. it is good fun, i know. a good opportunity to meet more people and form make more friends, to bond over sorority trips out of campus, BUT. there's always the danger of mixing with people who don't share the same values as i do. the sorority's influence can be overpowering and intrusive. i may feel compelled to do as my "sisters" do.. i could of course, throw all caution to the wind and go wild at late-night parties.. drink.. flirt.. schmooze.. whatever. but i will not because i DO NOT worship beer, or over-the-top partying for that matter. i have to keep reminding myself that my body is the temple of the holy spirit. call me a prude, but if i'm going to call myself a child of God, then i'm saving all of myself for him. and im not going to be a hypocrite about it. made a decision and i'm going to stick by it.
"everything is permissible for me"- but not everything is beneficial.
"everything is permissible for me"- but i will not be mastered by anything.
1 cor 6:12
and that is the truth.
planted @
4:25 AM
