Friday, February 11, 2005
such ugly emotions, Jealousy and Envy. i see my own selfishness. tears of self-pity, wallowing in my self-made sea of loneliness. my mind tells me to stop.
stop i shall.
because it's always about me. me, me, me, me, me. it's always about how I feel, what I think, what I want..
like Morrie, i've found that you can only indulge your emotions so much. there comes a point where you've spent all your tears, cried all the load off your chest, and come to realise how good the calmness is afterwards. it's only after you've screamed, yelled, vented, ranted, directed everything to God, that he speaks to reassure you and gives you peace of heart, mind and spirit. it's only after the worst comes out of you-- all the venom, bitterness, anger, pain, misery, selfishness, jealousy-- that he can start to heal you. and only after reflection do you realize how ugly and evil and poisoned you were, and only then are you truly ashamed of your sin.
but even the worst of us can repent and receive his forgiveness. and even the ugliest insides, once exposed, can be turned into testimonies of his grace to us. we are living testimonies of the undeserved mercy we received.
i have been killing myself on the inside, harbouring all that poison. but after an evening of introspection and reflection, i'm turning myself over to God. so ashamed of my ugliness. need his forgiveness. need to come back to him.
i managed to turn my life into a "me-centered" one. tonight, i'm turning it back round again, to one centered around him.
it takes God's revelation to recognize how disgusting you really are. i'm able to realize this by his wisdom, and by his grace, i'm able to change for the better.
planted @
10:58 AM
